A very important lesson learned

 

Today, I would like to talk about something that is extremely important that I have learned as an autism parent. It has changed everything about the way I respond to certain behavior, and made both my life and my son’s so much easier. That lesson I have learned is this- that it is absolutely essential to figure out what is causing a behavior before jumping to the conclusion that it needs to be punished. What we as adults view as difficult behavior is often a child’s response to overwhelming emotions and overwhelming stimuli.

For so many years, when Elijah was not yet diagnosed, I tried to punish him for things that were simply a reaction to overstimulation or inability to express emotions. I had no idea that what I was doing was actually perpetuating the problem. Yet, I always wondered why it didn’t work. Now, it has become clear to me, and I am ashamed of myself for the ways I handled his behavior when I didn’t know.  You can punish someone over and over again for the same behaviors, but if they lack the skills to cope with the issues that are causing the behaviors, no amount of punishment will ever be effective. In fact, it will only cause the person to become more and more beaten down and as a result, often cause them to have more and more behaviors! Punishing behavior that is a response to sensory overload actually makes the behavior even worse.

Now, let me clear something up before I go on to explain the process I use. Does this mean I don’t ever punish my child? Absolutely not. When he is being a smart mouth and makes a rude comment at me under his breath, he gets in trouble. When he yanks the TV remove away from his brother when it’s Owen’s turn to pick a TV show, he gets in trouble. These are clearly circumstances in which he knows right from wrong, but chooses to act in a way he knows isn’t right because he wants his own way. What I am talking about is different, and goes much deeper than that.

Here is my best example. The time that we most often see behavior that at first glance might look like it ought to be punished, but is actually a response to overstimulation, is when we ask Elijah to do something that he perceived as difficult for him. We ask him to complete a task. When we ask, in his mind, he begins having anxiety about completing the task because he is worried it will be difficult, overwhelming, or too unpleasant for him to bear. So, he starts by simply ignoring our request, and keeps doing whatever he was doing before as a way to cope with these feelings.  Of course, this behavior then causes us to ask him again, likely in a more stern or irritated tone, to complete the task. He hears the frustration in our voices, and this actually causes even him more anxiety, because he is still worried about completing the task, but is now also worries that he has upset us. So, he continues to avoid the task, because what he really needs is someone to talk through his emotions about his apprehension about the task, but he doesn’t know how to ask for that. By now, we are asking him a third time why he hasn’t started the task, and we are really visibly annoyed. This is when, in the past when we didn’t recognize what was happening, we would have started making threats of punishment if he didn’t start completing the task. At that very moment is when he would begin to lose it, crying, screaming laying on the floor, saying things like, “I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t.” To someone without an understanding of what this child is feeling, this could easily be perceived a tantrum to just get his way” and not have to do the task. Consequently, it would also then be perceived as even more deserving of punishment.  In reality, what is actually occurring is a meltdown. The child is, at this point, feeling not only completely overwhelmed by the task, but feeling shamed for not being able to do it, and shamed for his response when he tried to express that he couldn’t do it. At this point, he has completely shut down and needs comfort just to feel okay. He is further than ever from actually completing the task now. To punish him at this point would be completely ineffective and only worsen his meltdown. And yet, so many times, to the frustrated parent who doesn’t understand, this is exactly what happens. It is painful to even think about this now for me. It breaks my heart that I might have punished him for something when all he needed was for me to calmly ask some questions back at the very beginning, and the whole outcome might have been different. So, now that I do understand, at the first sign of him avoiding the task I asked him to do, I start calmly talking to him about it, trying to figure out exactly what it is about the task that he is afraid of. I might say things like, “Elijah, are you worried that cleaning your room might be overwhelming for you, and you don’t know where to start? Would you like me to help break it down for you? How about you start by picking up all the Legos?” We talk through it until we find away to approach the task without him feeling overwhelmed. When we do it this way, the outcome is completely different. Instead of an overstimulated, crying, melting down child who now isn’t wanting to do anything, we end up with a child who is able to complete the task that was asked of him, and when it’s finished, feels proud of himself for being able to accomplish it. Learning to recognize what is causing your child to respond a certain way and addressing their feelings that precede that behavior is absolutely life changing for both the child and yourself as a parent. Sadly, there are parents, teachers, and caregivers who do not yet understand this, and that is why awareness is so important. It hurts my heart to think about all of the children who are being reprimanded, punished, and belittled for responding the only way that they know how when faced with emotions they don’t understand. And this is true of all children, not just autistic ones. There are times when all children simply can’t express what they need, and we could really help them by taking a closer look and asking some questions before we simply assume they are just “being difficult.”

Just because I have come to understand all of this now doesn’t mean I am perfect. I still find myself wanting to get angry when I ask Elijah to do what I view as the simplest task and he doesn’t do it. I have to pause and remind myself to ask those questions to find out what is really going on. And I don’t always remember to do this. I still catch myself starting to become angry, forgetting about his emotions and getting caught up in my own. But, I have learned that my son is very forgiving, and I apologize when I catch myself starting to act this way. He always hugs me and says, ”it’s okay Mom, I love you.”  And I have also learned that by owning up to my own mistakes and apologizing to him when I let my own emotions get the best of me, I have modeled this behavior to him, because there have been a few times lately when he has approached me and said, “Mom, I’m sorry I got mad and said something mean to you earlier today.” And it’s then I realize not to be so hard on myself as a parent, because even through my own mistakes, I am showing him how to own up to mistakes and give sincere apologies.