So much negativity

Elijah is in the process of undergoing psychological testing right now. He has been telling the psychologist all about why he doesn’t like school. It was heartbreaking to hear some of the things she said that he told her. He is in first grade, and he is already very aware of the fact that he does not fit in and that people are annoyed by him. He doesn’t understand why, because he has no awareness of the deficit in his social skills, he just knows that for whatever reason, no one wants to be his friend. He also feels like none of the teachers like him because all he does is get in trouble. I know they are trying so hard with him. I am not trying to blame them.  I know he is not easy to help. But, I can’t imagine what it must be like spending all day, every day, surrounded by people you perceive as tired of dealing with you, on top of the fact that you are already struggling. But, day in and day out he has to go there. And he is expected not only to show up, but to do the work that is asked of him and try to behave like everyone else.  The bottom line is, he can’t. He lacks the skills to be able to show up, sit in a classroom all day, do work, abide by social rules, and fit in with everyone else. What some may see as a child who is unwilling, I see a child who is unable. And, the mental health professionals are seeing it also.  In fact, his psychological testing has now become more drawn out. We won’t even have a diagnosis now until mid-December, and it was supposed to come next week. Why? Because he can’t even focus long enough to complete the psychological testing! He is that distractible and unable to process through and carry out what they are asking him to do.  So now, we have another month until we can even know what kind of help he qualifies for. I am finding all of this incredibly disheartening. It has been really easy to just feel hopeless right now. But, I am trying to focus on the positive, and the things I know are awesome about my son.  For example, last week, Elijah told me that I am good at so many things, but what I am the very best at is being his mom. He has no idea how much weight that incredibly sweet statement carries, because being his mom is no easy task. In fact, being his mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, hearing him say I do it well makes it all worth it. He went on to tell me that I am so good at making things, and that my Chicken on the Beach is the best in the world. He said he loves that if I want something, I just figure out how to make it with my Cricut and it’s better than buying it anyway. He said that I am so smart. He was full of compliments. This are the moments I live for, the ones that come in the middle of the hard times and remind me that no matter how much trouble my son may be having with functioning at school, he is still an amazing person with a beautiful heart. He appreciates me and thinks I am great at being his mom, and that matters!  And then, with no transition whatsoever, he went right on into talking about how we are able to breathe oxygen because of trees. And he spoke about it with as much enthusiasm as he had about his love for me.  This is my son. He is a boy with so much love, and so much passion. But, his brain isn’t quite wired like everyone else’s, and this masks so many of his best qualities sometimes.