I am his voice

I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of Elijah receiving his autism diagnosis. Besides the services that he can receive, I think one of the really important positives is that there is an explanation for certain behavior that previously could have come across to others as rude, defiant, or not taught proper social skills. When in reality, Elijah is a very sweet, kind person, he can come across as aloof, uninterested, and not caring about what someone else has to say. He actually does care, but his body language and response do not convey that he does. People who know him well know what a sweet, caring boy he is, but people who do not may never see that side of him and might assume the opposite.

One time, we were in the checkout lane at the grocery store. The cashier tried to talk to him. He didn’t even turn his head in her direction at all. I think she thought he didn’t hear her, so then she tried again, but louder. This time, he looked, but shot her a rude glance due to the raised volume, and still didn’t speak. Then, she wouldn’t let it rest. “You’re just not going to talk to me, are you?” she said.

“No,” he replied, still not making eye contact.

“Well, he’s not very friendly,” she said in an irritated voice to me.

At the time, he didn’t have the diagnosis, so I couldn’t say, “he has autism.” Instead, I said he was shy, and tried to direct her attention elsewhere by asking a question about something she was ringing up. But, the whole time I felt awful, because I knew it looked like my son was rude, but I also knew that he was not trying to be. He wasn’t comfortable talking to this woman, and that is okay. I myself don’t particularly get too chatty with cashiers either, because I am pretty shy, but because I make eye contact and smile, I don’t come across as rude, just quiet. Elijah lacks the skills to be able to do this, so he just seems rude. Now, I can use an opportunity such as this one to raise awareness about autism by explaining, “he has autism, which means he has a difficult time connecting with others and knowing how to participate in small talk. He’s not trying to be rude to you. He just has a difficult time understanding how to act in social situations.”  People need to understand that a child they do not know, and see only in one particular situation in public, could be dealing with a diagnosis they know nothing about. Just because he appears normal in the way he looks doesn’t mean that there is not something under the surface that makes him different. We have to stop assuming that a child’s apparent “rudeness” is a sign of bad parenting and not being taught manners, or a disrespectful child. I cannot tell you how many times I have talked to Elijah about being polite, answering peoples’ questions, etc. I have also modeled this behavior is whole life. But, these skills just do not come naturally to him. In a hypothetical situation, he may be able to tell you how he “should” respond, but in the moment, he just cannot always transfer that over to behavior. If he is suddenly overstimulated and nervous because of an unfamiliar person talking to him, he is probably going to shut down and just not talk. This is not rudeness from his perspective. This is him saying, “I am nervous and I don’t know you, and I don’t feel comfortable talking to you and answering your questions. I can’t look you in the eye because I can’t look people in the eye unless I am very comfortable and have a relationship with them.” These are the words he cannot say, so I have to be his voice and tell others that this is what he means when he ignores them. I hope that as the years go by, and he gets older, he can learn some skills to help communicate this message on his own to others, but until then I will educate others for him. Of course, I am not with him at school, and he will be misunderstood at times.   But, anytime I can, I want to make sure he is understood. We have a long road ahead of us. I know this. There are going to be people who will not understand Elijah often in his future. But, I will be his advocate, his voice, the one who knows him better than anyone, who can help others see who he really is.